Fair Warning

Most days, it takes a special kind of nincompoop to brave the Fairway Supermarket on 75th & Broadway. At the end of a twelve hour day it takes an absolute masochist.

It’s not just that Fairway attracts septuagenarians like tornados to trailer parks. Worse, Fairway exerts some kind of stupidity tractor beam. Not only are patrons apparently drunk on the sheer volume of green beans, olive oil, and kosher deli meats, they’re absolutely without bearing. Imagine a compass needle in a room full of magnets, strap a shopping cart to it, and you’ve got some idea what shopping there is like.

Fortunately, I have the inside scoop: it’s all about the second floor. Sure, traversing the city block between the entrance and the stairs is tantamount to solving a Rubic’s Cube while biking through Times Square traffic at rush hour. But once you’re there on the second floor, surrounded by boomers with brown rice, yuppies with organic muesli, and yippies with yoga mats, my friends, you have arrived. Heck, old folks can’t even m ake it up the stairs.

Based on the premise that one’s grocery basket reveals something about one’s self, then, here is a list of tonight’s acquisitions:

Amy’s Mexican Bowl
Amy’s Brown Rice Bowl
Amy’s Combination Veggie Pizza
Organic Peanut Butter
Cascade Organic Strawberry Fruit Spread
Organic Valley Extra Large Brown Eggs
Organic Green Grapes
Vermont Organic Multi Grain Bread
Dole Very Veggie Sald Mix
Organic String Beans
Happy Herbert Oat Bran Pretzels

The grand total was $41.64, though I stopped off for a six pack of Harp Lager that ran me another twelve bucks. A couple of beers’ll turn this nincompoop into a blissful savant.