Your Love Is Gonna Drown

I set myself up for melancholy from the word go.

My weekend beach plans fell through, so I was in no hurry to leave The MTV. I was filling out a CRF (computer request form) when it occurred to me that the office was a ghost town, and that filling out a CRF on a Friday night is pathetic. So I put “I Will Follow You Into The Dark” on repeat, slipped through the gawking Times Square tourists, and descended into the sweltering subway.

If Heaven and Hell decide that they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no on their vacancy signs
If there’s no one beside you when your soul embarks
I’ll follow you into the dark

My Big Friday Night Plan, I decided, was to throw a little dinner party. For one: me. So I wrestled with the gray hairs at Fairway (the only strategy there, really, is to laugh if off; otherwise you’d go postal) for a salmon fillet, some fresh green beans, salad, and rice pilaf. I hit the corner store for charcoal and a six of Stella. Party on.

I watched the sunset. I drank a lot of beer. I grilled up the salmon. I listened to a lot of Death Cab. And I went to bed.

I dreamt about Erin. We got married. The ceremony was full of joy. I was thrilled. I was comfortable, and happy. I spun my wedding ring around my finger. I loved how it looked and felt. Driving away afterwards, I looked down and the gold had flaked away. It was just a tarnished, pewter-colored ring.

Sorrow drips into your heart from a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks
And there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half-empty and half-full
Your love is gonna drown

I woke up early. I lay in bed a while thinking about her. I Googled her just to see her photo. I sat on the floor sorting dirty laundry, walked downstairs and started my day. I had to laugh when I saw the kitchen: dishes stacked four-high, empty beer bottles, a hollow ice cream carton. And that was that. This is this. Today, I am an acoustic guitar and a small, sad voice in a big, empty room. And that’s ok. It’s gotta’ be.