God, Part 2
I was chastised by a colleague yesterday for returning to “event based” journal entries instead of the more introspective posts I’ve been writing of late.
I hate the “I did this then I did that” blog as much as the next guy. I didn’t really mean to write any of that sorta’ thing this weekend. What was important to me in all of that wasn’t so much what I did, but how it made me feel to do something instead of doing nothing.
See, blogging is kind of like praying. I mean, I don’t pray often. I can distinctly recall the last two occasions, and while they both felt essential, they felt maybe a little too opportunistic. It’s not that I didn’t mean what I was saying. I just figured if God was listening, he was like, “Oh, Ben must really be in trouble. He never calls.” That said, there’s a part of me that’s faithless, that figures talking to God is just talking to yourself (or your Self). I kinda’ think that asking God for strength, for example, is tantamount to asking yourself for strength. Yunno’ what I mean?
I figure there are multiple “selfs.” I’m not really sure if it’s ego, superego, id, or persona, anima, shadow, or what. I’m not even sure it matters. I just know that there are voices in my head. Not like schizophrenia or anything, just some helpful and not so helpful voices. And they’re not all the same. I mean, there’s definitely a part of myself that doesn’t really like myself (some might call him “The Addict”). Given his druthers, he’d sit inside eating, drinking, smoking and watching TV. But there’s also a fighter in me, the voice that speaks up when I’m on the twenty-fifth mile of the New York City Marathon. And, you know … there are others. (Don’t go actin’ like I’m crazy. I know you know what I’m talkin’ about.)
So blogging is kind of like praying. It’s a form of talking myself, even if ya’ll are listening too. And fortunately, the fighter is winning. And I’m psyched about that. I mean, just barely, but still. Evidence of that, I think, is all the fun stuff I did this weekend. It’s not all that easy to go out and do a bunch of things. I like to sleep. I like to watch TV. I like to eat pizza. But every time I run, every time I meet a friend for some catch up, every time I see a live band or watch a movie, I’m rewarded by the experience.
It’s a lesson that, like most lessons, I learn over and over again. Which is kind of frustrating. You would think we could just make a mistake once learn from it, but I’m not seein’ it go down like that. Seems like we need to make the same mistake a few times before it sinks in. Heck, for some people it probably never sinks in. I was saying to a (well-paid professional) friend last week that I feel like I’m right back where I started. “Growth,” he reminded me, “Isn’t a straight line. It’s more like an upward ascending spiral. And on the way up, you’re likely to pass by some familiar scenery.”
My second post of ’05 was about how the year sucked so far. And in so much that I was a passive observer things, yeah, it sucked. I you’re just sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, shit sucks. But I can’t let that happen. I have to do stuff. Not to distract me, but to feed me. As Kat reminded me with a t-shirt she designed just for me, Less Suck, More Rock. That’s what it’s about. It’s a rebuilding year. It’s time to find some balance, to lay some roots, to lift some weights. You know, metaphorically. And I’m probably gonna’ have to do a whole bunch more talking to myself along the way.