Come Back Down

And so it is: the record is out, the tour is over, the video is premiered.

For three weeks I’ve been asked, “How does it feel to have a new record out? Are you excited? How was the show? How’s the tour going?” Etc., etc., etc. And I appreciate the inquiries. But the cold honest truth (at two o’clock on a chilly Saturday afternoon coming down), is that it doesn’t feel like much at all. It doesn’t feel like enough.

In the words, of Pippin, Son of Charlemagne, “I thought there would be more plumes.”

Or to quote myself (I bet you think this song is about you, don’t you? Don’t you?):

I don’t want to live forever
I just want to know
That there is something better
Than a rocknroll show
That there is something greater
Than the sound of applause
I won’t fake it, I’ll make it, because

Now, let’s get this straight. I recorded a terrific, sonically and thematically cohesive record in a month. I mixed, mastered, replicated, and released it one month later. I art directed and produced my most ambitious album art and liner notes ever. I designed and produced cool t-shirts. I directed my best video yet. I had my most well-attended and most roucous album release to date. And I performed in six states. All while working 50 hour weeks at the MTV, training for and running the New York City Marathon, and dealing with an unprecedented level of heavy personal shit.

So, what did I expect? Why the big come back down? Would any amount of achievement, any volume of applause, be sufficient?

Of course not. There’s not enough achievement or applause to satiate me. What I’m looking for — and what Pippin was looking for, incidently — isn’t out there in the crowd.

Don’t let my next day blues diminish my gratitude, though. A lot of people made this happen. My buddy and engineer Kevin Anthony, for one. He sacrified all kinds of time and sleep because he shared my vision. Bassist Tony Macelli, for another. CJ and Walker. Jonathan Goldner who shot the video and helped out in a bunch of small ways. My brother: he hasn’t missed a show in years, and made “The Rest of My Life” video beautiful. Jennifer Hanser, my muse. She stood next to me all day in Dumbo for the album cover, then faked like she loved me for the music video. Stephanie Klein: even her random photos are beautiful. Chris Hart. Mom, Dad, Lindsay, Becca, Sarah, and all of my living room hosts. They all made it happen.

And of course you made it happen. You, out there in Bakersfield, Cleveland, Toronto, Minneapolis, Cinicinati, Oklahoma City, Sydney, and beyond. The fact that you lay down your hard earned cash for a coupla’ well-loved songs, that you show up to sing along with me on a cold winter night, and that you drop me emails to say “buck up, camper” when I’m obviously bummed … well, that’s worth the whole thing. Thanks.

So what am I going to do next? How am I gonna’ follow up “Love & Other Indoor Games?”

I think I’m going to fall in love.